first journal posting from the end of my trip

Assalam Alaykum folks,
So this is my third posting of today, but that's only because I seriously am in withdrawal already and am trying to refresh my memory of things. Ustadh Yahya Rhodus recommended that we all review our notes for the next 3 months at least, and inshaAllah then can they become a part of us. Part of this process also involves teaching it to others (so whoever is interested in having an Inland Empire based halaqa, let me know because it's already in the works of being planned insha'Allah!) Anyway, I am posting up my last journal entry from my airplane trip back from JFK to LA. I figured since this is a retroactive blog, I will start off with the most recent, but then jump to my first journal entry from Jeddah and then work myself back to now. (I don't know if that all just made sense.) Khayr insha'Allah. Here it is:

An Estranged and Torn Heart
On the plane ride back from New York to LA: August 24, 2006
Alhamdulillah the trip from Jeddah to New York went by pretty fast although it was 2 hours longer (making it over a 12-hr plane ride) than the plane ride to Jeddah. I slept for most of it, as I know all of us students were exhausted, ate, and walked around with Shazia a couple of times, especially since we noticed our feet were swollen. I also played with Yasin for sometime since he kept on taking over my seat. MashaAllah he is such a smart kid for a 2 ½ year old. May Allah bless him and guide him to work for His sake. Ameen.
All of the students were praying that we didn’t have any problems with customs and that we wouldn’t have problems with our immensely overweight luggage that was lugged down by the amount of shopping we all did (hey after all, Shaykh Hamza said shopping in Madinah was sunnah!) as well as with zam zam, or in my case—halal skittles! We arrived at JFK at about 9 AM, and by the time I got my luggage, it was 10 AM. I knew that I as well as many other students would probably be missing our connecting flights back home, but I wanted to try to catch my 11 AM flight. I was yet to go through customs, but alhamdulillah I had no problems there! I could tell that the barakah of being in a great group where all of us (inshaAllah) had a newfound light placed in our hearts and on our faces was responsible for such an easy process. I had to get to terminal 8 and 9 to catch my flight on American Airlines, and if any of you know JFK, it’s pretty huge! I didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye to anyone but alhamdulillah I have their contact information and I know that insha’Allah we will all reunite one day again, if not in this life, then in the next inshaAllah!
Pushing up that luggage on a hill wasn’t an easy task, but my sister and I finally made it to the terminal, but alas… it was 10:30 and it was too late to check into the 11 AM flight. The lady there who I believe is Muslim (an African American lady named Maeidah I believe) was so nice! She had a great demeanor and complemented my sister and I on our beautiful hijabs and she admired the way we were dressed—my sister had changed into jeans and a kameez, but I was still wearing an abaya. She helped me get onto the next flight which was leaving at 12:15 and although one of my bags weighed 55 pounds, she let me check it in without paying for the extra weight. Alhamdulillah I was good to go, and my sister left me to go on her way to New Jersey for a wedding.
I went on my way to gate 46, but I had to pass through security who caught a small bottle of zam zam in my backpack. The man stood there and watched me drink the whole thing down. I had asked him if it would be okay to take it with me as he had already seen me gulp down a few sips, but he commented that although he agreed with me, airport security required that no liquids be taken on the plane. I called my mom to tell her I was due to arrive at LAX at 3 pm, and then I was off to find some lunch food. There was a Starbuck’s close to the gate, but I realized I didn’t want the first thing I bought to be from the symbol of corporate America. Instead I went to Soho Bistro where I bought a pizza. I could immediately notice the big difference of being in the U.S. versus being in Saudi. Each place has its pros and cons. In America, I know that the customer service is great—people have smiles on their faces, they actually attend to you in the order in which a customer arrives, there’s actually female workers! Yet, it was so strange to once again see women wearing tank tops and shorts, men who weren’t wearing thobes, people who were not speaking in Arabic, Urdu, Turkish, Farsi. In America, there is freedom yet there is oppression; there are rights yet subtle and often blatant violation of these rights. In the U.S. we say thank you, your welcome, and smile, and have people who actually attend to our needs—especially when that is their job; yet where would I want to live? I’m not saying everything is all peachy in the U.S., but I know I have a sense of appreciation for some values. However, these values are the true ethics and moral character entailed in Islam as exemplified by the Prophet (peace be upon him).
I realized while I was in the busy array of the New York airport, that things would be different. I no longer will be hearing the adhaan (the call to prayer), iqama, the adhaan for tahajjud going off throughout the day, or pray in jamaat at Masjid Nabawi and at the Ka`bah—places where I knew I was surrounded by thousands of angels. I knew I was no longer in a place where I could be shopping one minute, hear the adhaan, cross the street and find myself praying with hundreds and thousands of my brothers and sisters in Islam. No more passing by Muslims non-stop and being in the 2 holiest sites—even if it was in a country that has a lot of problems (but then again what country doesn’t?), a country that doesn’t practice Islam the way it’s supposed to be.
I was back in a country where people do look at me weirdly, and where materialism and capitalism are rampant; but hey—this is where I live and this is where my responsibility lies. After all, as Imam Zaid said in his farewell session in Mecca, if no Muslim lived in the U.S., then how would he have ever entered into Islam?
I waited by the gate to board the plane, at which time a famous person from Sabrina the Teenage Witch was talking to the AA staff. I didn’t care. I called Samina and talked to her for just a little bit as I apologized to her that I didn’t call her on her birthday. I had been thinking about her immensely on the day that we traveled from Madinah to Mecca to go for `umrah, and I prayed for her. I couldn’t help but have tears well up in my eyes as I fondly talked to her about the rihla. I boarded the plane at 11:45 and ended up having a window seat all the way in the back. I asked the girl next to me whether or not she preferred the window seat, but she said she didn’t care. I tried sparking a conversation with her, but I didn’t want to bug her. I asked her if it would be ok if I ate the pizza I had purchased as I didn’t want the smell to annoy her, and she said yes, and I kindly shut up after that. Alhamdulillah though, Shehla and her husband were also on my flight, and I ended up switching seats so I could talk to Shehla. We had talked for over an hour about the rihla and our plans of implementing this knowledge, about what we’ll miss, etc.. It’s amazing to think we all run into each other for a reason and how this is all our rizq—the plan of Allah is simply unfolding and we are all here to let it play out.
I can’t help but feel like crying and that I didn’t take as much advantage of the trip as I could have, but it was a big learning experience as I had found out that although internal motivation was there, our bodies have our own limits. I knew that there were times where my body reached its ultimate physical exhaustion capacity and I sometimes felt like I was going to collapse. There were also times where I literally would rest my head in our air conditioned buses, and within a minute I would be off in la-la land dreaming! I realized that when embarking on such a trip, know that there is a lot of preparation required-mentally, spiritually, and physically. We need to control our nafs, we need to control our appetites, the amount of sleep we get, the amount of nutrients we eat, we have to prep ourselves trough ensuring that we’re praying on time, we’re doing morning and evening dhikr, etc… What makes us think that one day we’ll just automatically change? Change requires hard work and it requires sacrifice—but it’s not really sacrifice because it’s for the sake of Allah to help our own selves! It’s “sacrifice” for something greater—and we know that when we do this, Allah’s blessings are immense, and the amount of barakah he puts in our time is what makes anything possible.
I’m excited and also have a feeling of nerve-wreckedness (is that a word?)—there’s so much to do, there’s no time to waste. I know we have to be consistent with our actions, but do them right away. A sacrifice against our nafs for Allah is actually a blessing in disguise. I know that I had a lot of expectations of myself, but I should have never expected it, nor should I have ever assumed that I would have fulfilled them. I was aware of all the things that last year’s rihla group experienced so I had something to compare mine to, but without knowledge of last year, I would have been perfectly and whole-heartedly content, but alhamdulillah. Allah is great and verily we will all return to Him one day, but why don’t we return to Him sooner? Why wait for death for such a great meeting?
This was my first trip out of the country since I was 3 years old (at which time I had gone to Japan). I had imagined for sometime what it would be like to visit the blessed city of our Prophet (sallalahu alayhi wa salaam). We read and hear so much about the blessed cities of Madinah and Mecca, we hear the seerah of the Rasool peace be upon him. Before going on this journey, I was listening to Imam Anwar Awlaki’s cd set on the Life of Muhammad peace be upon him. However, all the things that could have ever prepared me for this trip couldn’t have ever really prepared me for what I was going into. When we had finally arrived to Madinah, I could see the masjid and the minarets in the distance. We all chanted “Labbayk Allahumma Labbayk!” and were reciting salawat on the prophet sallalahu alayhi wa salaam. Tears filled my eyes, but I didn’t cry. I was speechless, and filled with immense gratitude for the blessing Allah had given me to come to my home. I couldn’t fathom that I had finally made it to the city where the Prophet peace be upon him, his amazing wives, and the wonderful companions lived, walked, fought and defended Islam, and died in. I can’t really explain everything I felt at that moment—I wouldn’t have been able to do it then nor can I do it now. I really don’t know how I could have walked in the same footsteps where the Prophet sallalahu alayhi wa salaam stepped in. I recalled some of the posts that I had read from last year’s rihla blog and I felt the same way as some of the sisters—speechless. I didn’t know how to handle everything nor what to do with myself sometimes as I knew that as much as I sat and reflected, I still couldn’t fathom the greatness of being in this holy land, where the dust is a shifa. This is the city that the beloved prophet peace be upon him prayed for so that the holiness could be double the amount of Mecca!
I couldn’t believe that I actually got to go to the Rawdah—Heaven on earth! We prayed at the mihrab where the prophet (peace be upon him) would give his sermons and where the tree that cried for the Rasool was hugged by him in order to calm it down. We spent hours there praying at the blessed pillars of Aisha (ra), and Abu Lubaba. The greatest thing of all was saying salaams to the Rasool (pbuh). Was I ready for that? I don’t know—how could I give my salaams to the most beloved of Allah? He sees the states we’re in, and I know I was so ashamed. He was the man who has prayed for his ummah, who has cried for his ummah, who continues to pray in his grave, who praises Allah when he hears of a Muslim doing a good deed, and seeks Allah’s forgiveness when it is made known that a Muslim has done a bad deed. He is the only person who will be worried about his ummah on the day of judgement where everyone will be concerned with only themselves. He is truly such a selfless man, and now I would be in front of him? I asked for his forgiveness for having taken so long to finally meet him, and I prayed that he would intercede on my behalf to Allah. A Saudi man led us through a du`a to read in front of the graves, and after saying salaams and reciting salawat, and calling upon the Rasool with blessed names, we declared the shahada in front of this Prophet who was appointed by Allah to spread this religion unto mankind. I can’t even fathom now how I could have said those words: Ashanduan La illaha ill Allah wa ashaduanna Muhammadan rasul Allah. Now I know that this is something that I no longer can only testify to by saying it, but it is something I need to live by.
There’s so much to say about my experiences, but all I can say now is that I have realized the true diseases of the heart that plague us all. And the struggle we have will always be there—it is a struggle, rather a rihla, of a lifetime. I can only pray that Allah guides me and brings me close to Him, and that I can use this one physical rihla (and insha’Allah more to come) in order to earn His pleasure, and seek His forgiveness for any act that I have done, or will do. He has given us a great key and we need to use it; that key is repentance.